| I've lied to myself. I'm not sure how long, But I continue to lie Every time I open my eyes To a new situation. And every time, I awaken once more To the sting of every truth I ever turned away from. I lied to myself. Told myself they were my friends Despite the realization that I was being used. I had thought I'd finally fit in; I've been trying to fit in since I was a child. I tried to fit in at school; I tried to fit in at home, But the truth is I wasn't wanted. My mother taught me How to recognize when Others didn't want me around. She told me to be a good girl and Not to follow in others' footsteps. And so I grew older with High expectations on my shoulders. But nothing I do is ever good enough. Hard as I try I can't please my mother Who continuously rejects All of my attempts at making her proud. I'm not the boy my father wanted Although he already has three. I'm useless to him Despite my education. Being a woman doesn't Make me as smart as a man. There are times I pretend I have two brothers, not three. Is that selfish of me? I try so hard to keep my distance From brother number 3. We used to be so close Or, at least that's what I've heard. But he went out and Made a life for himself. It took me awhile to realize He'd never be coming home. Although he does come back To visit every once in awhile. And each time I'm shocked By the realization that He's a stranger. We're of the same flesh and blood And yet, I don't know him, The stranger that walks in and out of my life so easily. And each time he walks in, I'm angered by the realization that He's only visiting because he needs something. Is family really that forgettable? Is it really that replaceable? I didn't think so but it is. The realization, Like every other realization, hurt. It hurt to know I'm not needed. It hurt to know I'm not wanted. It hurt to know I'm easily replaced. Hard as I try, I can't please anyone Not even myself. I try to be honest but they just feed me their lies, And so I lie to myself But not even lies can hide the truth. Lies can't disguise my thoughts; Thoughts that make me feel like I'm someone else Because that happy girl I once knew, Wouldn't wish she was dead. |
--Sandra S., 20
